How did people in the Old West keep their beer cold?You, as a very parched cowboy or cowgirl, have just ridden back into town and you see a sign that says, to your great pleasure, “COLD BEER.” Being the only thing that can quench your insatiable thirst, you head into the saloon looking for the promised goods.
As you enter the structure, immediately you’re hit with the overbearing scent of sweaty men and alcohol. Approaching the bar, you summon the barmaid and she’s soon off again to retrieve your drink. You sit, scanning the scene in front of you, there’s easily a spectrum of drunkards in the place tonight. On the far end, there’s three men, all extremely intoxicated and making a fuss about who’s the fastest gunslinger. You believe the only thing they could probably hit would be their foot in this state but you continue looking on. A bit closer, there are two men at a table and you overhear them talking about how crisp and cool the beer tastes tonight-- how it tastes like pure ice sliding down the throat. Upon hearing this conversation and receiving your drink, it dawns on you that the beer, is in fact, very cold. Curious, you ask the bar maiden how she keeps the beer so cold. Does she have some kind of access to a cold place, and if so, how does she keep it from melting? Are they making the ice? No-- that’s absurd! She must be practicing witchcraft, yeah that’s it! She insists that it’s a secret she can’t share but you persist. The curiosity is making your brain itch. Eventually, she gives in and she takes you to the back. There, you find a massive set of stairs leading to seemingly nowhere. As you both descend, goosebumps raise on your arms and you see your breath, something that’s not new for you because you know how desert nights get. When you reach the bottom you see an incredibly crafted wooden door and it’s humongous.
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Why are barns red? Nobody has ever questioned why barns are red. In California, barns are red. In Kentucky, barns are red. In Connecticut, barns are red. Maybe it's time that we, as a human race, start questioning WHY barns are red. Does anybody remember when we first started painting barns red? Do YOU remember why we started painting them red? Well let me tell you why barns are red.
Every 1st, 2nd, 8th, 13th, 17th, 20th, 23rd, and 30th of the month, aliens come and visit farms far and wide. Ravenous, they eyeball the farmers like they're a bucket of KFC chicken. (Yes KFC, they have those in space you know) Way back when, farmers did wonderfully and they were very prosperous, the aliens never wanted to bother them because they were afraid of how successful they were. Then, one spring, the humans had a poor harvest and lots of their people starved. The human numbers had been drastically lessened. "This," the aliens cooed, "this is our chance to eat their cows." They all maniacally knitted their fingers at the exact same time, adding to their overall weirdness. That fall, the aliens decided to reach out to the humans. "Give us all your cows and we will let you all live, except Richard, we don't like Richard." The humans decided that this was better than being murdered by an alien race so they readily agreed to these terms. Why did pirates bother making prisoners or enemies "walk the plank" instead of just chucking them overboard? Imagine this, you’re the dreaded captain of a ship of 50 men. You just overtook a smaller ship of about 20 men. Among the survivors who didn’t jump ship to evade capture, the captain who insists, “a captain goes down with his ship” and 7 other capable men. “Gut ‘em,” someone yells from your midsts. “Let’s just throw him overboard!” shouts another. All sound like desirable actions and you have trouble choosing between the many ideas your men offer. You’re the captain for a reason, people fear you and because of this, they respect you.
Then all of a sudden, one of your men pulls out his knife and says, “you’re too slow boss, I’ll do it myself.” Astounded by this you rally your men and order this crewmember to be restrained. Now you have two problems, you have to get rid of these men whose treasure you just stole and you have people in your crew questioning your rank in power. So how do you fix this? Intimidation. “Marx! Jimmy! Put that piece of wood there!” you say and before you know it, you’re walking a man off your ship with a sword to his back. With shark infested waters below, you force him closer and closer to the edge. Your men stand at the edge of the ship, watching eagerly while the man in front of you begs for you to spare him. |
AuthorI have way too much time on my hands and I'm way too over analytical of everything. It makes for weird conspiracies supported by questionable evidence and unpopular opinions. Archives
October 2018
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